Feeling lost and trusting the process
What do you do when you can't escape yourself?
I can feel a shift happening. Finally. I’m coming off the back of a few years of feeling lost. Not constantly lost, but in-and-out of that feeling. You know when you get that feeling in your gut, that something isn’t clicking, and you’re plagued with thoughts like, “what am I meant to be doing?” “What’s my purpose?” The scary thought is, maybe I’ll always feel this way…but I do feel I’m headed somewhere new now.
Feeling lost doesn’t feel good. It feels inescapable, like it’s going to drown you. Just when I think I’ve escaped it, there it is again and I’m back in it. Being stuck in that feeling, in your own head, it can feel incredibly isolating.
I started the Smooth Brain substack as a way to share what’s on my mind and start writing again. This week’s Smooth Brain thoughts aren’t so smooth. They’re kind of scary and tough and they’re a bit different from the last few I’ve published but the topic is one that has all but consumed me for the last 2 years or so. The more I speak about this topic online and in person with friends (even some strangers), it feels like a universal feeling. I hope some will find my experience helpful, make you feel less alone and find comfort in some tips and advice that I’ve gathered from many of you!
How I’ve been feeling:
I started writing about this topic about 4 weeks into my 6.5 week trip away through America and Europe. I planned to finish and publish when I got home. In fact, I’ve spent the last week trying to finish it and within that I’ve gone from feeling ok, to spiralling, talking myself back to writing again and then spiralling some more. I’ve found it so hard to be open and vulnerable while also confronting my feelings head on.
So let’s backtrack to my trip. While I was away, I felt great. I had all this clarity and important perspective and it was delicious! I thought, “Oh my god! I’m not feeling as lost as I have for the last few years. I’m actually feeling good and clear. I’ve changed.” Travelling does something very unique to your brain. It helps so much with perspective. It can bring important things in to focus, show you what’s no longer serving you and show you things you want to change or lean into when you resume regular life back at home. It’s a great palate cleanser, or as it turned out for me, a great way to escape your problems.
When I got home I was hit with the hardest post-holiday blues I’ve ever had. Emotions I’d thought had gone away reared their head with a vengeance and I was back feeling like I was drowning.
Feeling lost is not new for me. It’s been an omnipresent thing hanging over my head ever since I started working for myself. On a good day, I love being in charge. I love the freedom and the autonomy. Being in control is easy when you know the goals you want to achieve but when you’re searching for your next move, or you have a nagging feeling that something isn’t entirely clicking – this is where it becomes incredibly hard and thus brings on the deep, all-encompassing feeling of being lost.
I’ve always tried to make big decisions when I’m 100% certain about them. Before I started working for myself in 2020 my path had been clear. I’d gone from being a kid, a school student, a uni student, to an employee with a career in magazines, with a career path and mentors guiding me. There was security and a direction I could follow. I worked my way through new positions and promotions. I enjoyed leveling up. I felt confident in my choices and when opportunities presented themselves, I took them. I went with what felt right and I didn’t look back. But soon enough, a new feeling emerged. In my final year working in that field, I knew I needed to make a change and I sat with that feeling for 6-12 months (my first major taste of feeling lost) before deciding freelance was exactly what I wanted.
When I quit, I was nervous, but I knew it was the right move. I wanted freedom and autonomy to explore working for myself and I trusted myself to make it work. And I have. But within that, I’ve lost count how many days, weeks, months I’ve felt aimless. It’s such an uncomfortable feeling. When I had the freedom and autonomy I wanted so badly, at times it feels so overwhelming and it can leave me feeling paralysed. When you can basically do anything, how do you know what you should do? Libra indecisiveness at its finest!
While I didn’t expect the last 3 and a half years to be some of the hardest I’ve experienced mentally, I still know it was the right decision and wouldn’t change it for anything. I love what I do! I love being creative and working in this creative, forever evolving field. I’m so lucky and I feel such gratitude for all the incredible experiences I have, the people I meet and friendships I’ve made. But on tougher days, I miss having a sounding board, I miss connection and collaboration with a team (and having a team to rely on), a clear to do list and structure to my weeks.
Where I’m at now:
The powerful thing about my most recent trip and then coming home to face the music is I’ve been forced to work out where I’m going wrong. I’ve been letting my fear of failure hold me back. I’m now very aware that I run away from things that scare me and that doing that is getting me nowhere. I’ve had business ideas on the backburner for the last year or two because I’ve had this weird mental block. So much fear clouded my ability to do anything new. The fear I have makes me second guess every thought and makes me feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing or what to do about it. And my natural reaction when I don’t know what to do is to do nothing but it means you sort of freeze. So I’ve been in this sort frozen state for a while.
In 2023 I’ve made a huge effort to look after myself. I wanted work on changing up my routine, stepping towards doing things that really serve me. I wanted to spend more time at home, put my energy into activities that nurture me; cooking, long walks, reading, learning, being with my loved ones, more travel. I wanted to get back to feeling in charge of my life, something I felt I’d lost in the last year or two. Post Pandemic, I was saying yes, yes, yes to everything and somewhere along the way that stopped serving me. It’s good to say yes, but to what end? It’s August and I think the work I’ve been doing is paying off. I feel better. And now, after my post-trip mini breakdown, I can feel a shift happening. The start of a new path.
(Hopefully) helpful tips and advice:
As it turns out, I’m not alone in feeling lost. Earlier this week, I broached the subject with my (beautiful, kind, thoughtful) audience on Instagram and asked if they’ve ever felt lost. I figured most of us have felt this way – whether it was related to work/finding your purpose (me), love, family, or just a general life feeling. What I didn’t anticipate, is for 100% people to click YES on the poll I shared. I then asked if they had any tips on what they do when they feel this way and the outpouring of wonderful advice/solidarity/generosity was overwhelming and so special. Thank you to everyone that shared. I really underestimated how much it would help me. I’ve been so relentlessly in my head about writing this, coming up with a million ways to sabotage it but seeing how many of you feel this way or just know the feeling all too well, I feel better; I’m not alone. And it’s important to share the stuff that’s eating you up. So here’s what you said:
· “Surround myself with people I know want the best for me.”
· “Moodboarding, writing goals/life plans, list writing of who I am and where I want to be.”
· “I actually just trust the feeling of being lost and trust that it will shift when it’s ready.”
· “Think about your values and pick one thing to put energy towards so you don’t feel overwhelmed.”
· “Allowing myself to feel it. It can be painful but better to move through it rather than around it.”
· “Therapy.”
· “Finding common ground, honest people and humble, conscious community. Hard to come by but if you open yourself, the right people will come. Finding Bondi Medi Centre and Alison Rice Off- Course made me feel so held this year.”
· “Doing something that serves as a circuit breaker on the negative thought cycle – stepping outside for a walk or plunging into a cold body of water seems to do the trick.”
· “Getting some new perspectives whether that’s through a book or a podcast. I find autobiographies and interviews with different people both within and outside my industry very helpful for this. Gets me feeling excited and inspired again and also it’s encouraging to hear about tough times others have been through and know they came out the other side.”
· “If work related, I’ll reach out to catch up with biz girls for coffee and debrief. They just get it.”
· “Can be hard but just trusting the journey and believing that what’s meant for you will come.”
· “Focus on well-being and small well-being related daily habits that are achievable.”
· “Acknowledge how you feel, accept that it’s part of life, it’s normal, and refer back to my list of things I’ve written that bring me joy, start doing that. If the feeling continues, reassess goals and find grounding in friends and family.”
· “I stop all work and I clean my space, my car, go for a walk and have a big wash.”
· “Get a “you did fucking good” folder and it’s filled with positive client feedback.”
· “Go for a big walk and see how many people are also just chilling alone.”
· “Routine helps with mental load. Provides consistency, structure, accountability.”
Such wonderful, thoughtful and important tips and advice. If anyone has more to share – please leave them in the comments or send me a message on Instagram! I love hearing from you all.
Final thoughts:
When I feel lost, I can feel totally alone, like I’m the only one feeling this way and I go totally inward. I have also struggled with feelings of immense guilt this week. How can I feel this way when I really have such a wonderful life? We can’t help what we feel but we can work on helping ourselves. From the outside, seeing other people move through the world, our natural reaction is to think they’ve got it all under control and maybe they do…at the moment…but hearing from so many people at various stages of their life, it really made it so clear how we’re all the same. There’s such comfort in that.
Feeling lost can happen at any stage of life. It’s not exclusive to an age group. We put so much emphasis on ‘having it all figured out’ at certain life stages. Fuck that. I see so much energy spent on turning 30, 40, 50, 60 etc and what that’s supposed to look like. If we’re lucky, life continues on beyond that birthday, it should all be celebrated! The rules or ideals placed on these ageing ‘milestones’ are made up and it’s hard not to fall into the trap of believing them. The pressure can be stifling and isolating but the reality is, we’re all figuring it out. We’re all on our own timeline, so let’s be kind to ourselves.
What I’ve learnt is that the answers you’re searching for may take a while to appear and while you’re waiting for them to appear – be patient. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when you don’t know where you’re going. I’ve learnt to trust the process, even though I sometimes forget this and just go back to feeling hopeless again. Find things to soothe you along the way. Trust the answers will come when you’re ready. And things will constantly evolve and change so just go with it.
My best friend always says to me, “nothing is forever” and I always say to her, “things happen when they’re meant to.” And after struggling through an incredibly confronting and hard week mentally, I kept coming back to that thought. I talked to my husband, best friends, mum and sister. I sat with my feelings. I went for long walks. Tried to get some good rest. Cleaned my space. Showed up to events when I wanted to stay home. Enjoyed some sunshine. Booked in for therapy. Got through my to-do list. And made some really exciting decisions about business ideas that I’ve been sitting on for the last two years. One foot in front of the other.
More Smooth Brain thoughts soon,
Ali xx
Proud of you Al x
You’re the best Ali. Love you x